Christmas Confession

by Elad Levinson

It’s Christmas time on the Alcoholism unit at Sequoia Hospital
So, I am sitting at the Nurses station schmoozing with two colleagues and staring me in the face and wafting across the ethers are several boxes of See’s candies. I have lost 100 pounds a few years back but have never lost the compulsive response to sweets- I cannot walk away from the siren call of the sensuous dark brown explosions of flavor waiting for my mouth but then again I feel like I can’t just take one, I want many.

 I wait for the nurse who is closest to the chocolate to be called away and I grab a napkin and stuff as many candies as I can without being seen or noticed. Then, lI slip into the bathroom at the nurse’s station and gobble the candies with no real pleasure or mindfulness- I eat them with no enjoyment.
Then I come out of the bathroom as if nothing had happened. I never checked to see if I had crumbles of chocolate on the corners of my mouth or brown stains marring my fingers. I just go back to the conversation with my ears burning with shame and a smile on my face like I got away with something.
About an hour later, I am on duty and it is my job to start and watch a movie about addiction. In the movie, the main character is sneaking drinks in the bathroom and then acting as if he was sober. I had a nightmarish flash of recognition. I was him.

That moment of embarrassment was the beginning of my examining my actions and understanding them as a serious problem that could be called addiction. I don’t particularly like the labels of addiction, obesity or compulsive eater because they miss the real experience of the suffering caused by the process we have inside. It is more accurate to describe the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual toll it takes and how isolated we end up feeling.
The recognition, that there were others who suffered as I did, led me to become a member of a 12 Step Program, go into therapy to explore how come I was at my goal weight and still crazy after all these years.

The journey and the discoveries made are the basis of Pounds for Poverty. I am happy to share what I have learned. I hope you have a moment like mine that allows you to become ready to look beyond the loss of weight to the underlying root cause- the mind.