Who am I? The question and the pursuit of the answer lead to health
by Elad Levinson
Thirty-eight years, I attended a three day retreat training focusing upon self investigation and awareness. During this very long weekend we were inquiring into what seemed at first to be a ridiculous task- to come up with an answer to the question Who Am I?
You would think that by 21, I should know the answer to that and do on some levels. I had loads of concepts, feelings, physical sensations and ideas tied to the question and all of them turned out to be habits of thinking and feeling that with examination seemed insubstantial. What I mean is they felt flimsy, transparent, without any real solidity that I could say with confidence- yes, that is who I am at my core.
Through inquiry, many false beliefs and feelings about me dissipated and disappeared. The big insights turned out to be life changing. I cannot replicate them in detail as the specific is less important than the evidence of the power of the insights. Two weeks after the retreat I remembered that from the age 12-21, I smoked two- three packs of cigarettes per day and I was now seemingly a non-smoker. Then a few months later, I realized that I was ready to lose the 100 pounds in a new way- one that I can only describe as an outcome of self awareness and self respect coupled with a commitment to make the lifestyle changes necessary to sustain the loss.
I had to do quite a bit of soul searching to come to this new ability. I found such a well spring of emotions that I did not know I had- having a father who was alcoholic and seething with violence left me quite the chameleon, always looking for ways to blend in and not incur his wrath. I had my own pool of anger that I could never have admitted except in the safety of the retreat. Other emotions like grief, sadness, joy were also unavailable to me. I had a blanket of unawareness and depression that covered over the bad experiences of childhood and gave me a false sense of security because I did not have to feel much of anything.
It is ironic that the measure of a person in our culture is their outer success because that gives the impression that you do not have to be happy with yourself- as long as you can have the applause and acknowledgment of others you are fine. But it turned out to not be true. I was wildly successful for a 21 year old and inside I was miserable- evidence of that- smoking, eating and drinking alcohol excessively, smoking marijuana frequently and of course the ever present tire around my middle.
The tools and the methods that led to my transformation are all the same that Pounds for Poverty is founded upon:
1. Mindfulness training- basic skills in self observation, reducing the tendency of self judgment and criticism via compassion, awareness of our internal experience in thinking, feeling, sensing and making meaning out of life’s information.
2. Rigorous self honesty- a willingness to explore and express the seemingly “dark” side of personality and our personal histories so that we can feel a sense of truthfulness and measure of relief.
3. Support- learning to listen non-judgmentally and expand your network of like-minded people on the same path.
4. A healthy diet of whole foods, vegetarian cooking, no alcohol and lighter foods so that we were not involved in over consuming and weighed down by the aftermath of our eating.
5. Movement from the inside out. Learning how to focus our awareness on the physical sensations that we experienced while walking, sitting, standing or stretching.
6. Service- Building a community that was co-creating ideas, a safe environment and learning to exchange over consuming with community service. I became aware of how important it is to me to be of service and not just be served. I end up feeling more engaged and better about myself.
All of the above practices have become my life style and they continue to be nourishing and lead me to health, well being and happiness inside.
